Jerry 悠光 Kirsch

It’s the afternoon after. I haven’t yet told her that I’m not going to allow her to stay over on school nights. For my sake, really. On the bus to the PAC, I was nervously laughing to myself because: when do you deliver bad news? In the morning and mess with their whole day? In the evening and mess with their sleep? Clearly, I am overthinking this. I am currently sitting next to her in the practice room, doing homework. After she practices for a while, I’ll tell her. It feels weird to word it like, ‘I’m putting my foot down on this issue,’ because I don’t want to. But getting great rest last night makes me realize I do need to lock in and set the boundary that I will be prioritizing my sleep. She needs to too, so maybe I can lead by example. When I feel tired, I’m impatient, unproductive, sour, and lash out. It kills me to see myself act this way when I know the oh so easy solution.

Went to swing dance club today without my girlfriend. Recently, she’s all I think about. I go out of my way to do my obligations in worse environments just to do them next to her. Last night, after she forgot her phone in my jacket, I still stayed up late chatting. I went to bed around 2 that day, knowing that I had an 8:30 class in the morning. I guess I don’t have the self respect to set a boundary for myself to get enough sleep. Or get enough study time. Or get enough alone time for that matter. If I tell her, I know she’ll feel bad. Knowing that your actions will directly hurt someone, regardless of if its justified that they feel that way or that what you’re doing is best or even right, makes it difficult to do that thing. It’s not a two way street. I can miss someone and still need space. I can want to hang out and still choose to stay home. I used to think that making that choice for myself was self-punishing. Why would I willingly refuse to hang out if I want to? It’s an ongoing struggle. Definitely related to choosing instant gratification over long term pleasure. Seems different when its about a person though. Is she really just “instant gratification” to me? Wheres the long term pleasure? Need there be any more to this than ‘I enjoy spending time with her’? Theres something to be said when you’d rather be with someone than do anything else. Its worse for her. She can’t refuse to hang out for shit. Not that I make it easy. I’m not sure where I was going with this.