Went to swing dance club today without my girlfriend. Recently, she’s all I think about. I go out of my way to do my obligations in worse environments just to do them next to her. Last night, after she forgot her phone in my jacket, I still stayed up late chatting. I went to bed around 2 that day, knowing that I had an 8:30 class in the morning. I guess I don’t have the self respect to set a boundary for myself to get enough sleep. Or get enough study time. Or get enough alone time for that matter. If I tell her, I know she’ll feel bad. Knowing that your actions will directly hurt someone, regardless of if its justified that they feel that way or that what you’re doing is best or even right, makes it difficult to do that thing. It’s not a two way street. I can miss someone and still need space. I can want to hang out and still choose to stay home. I used to think that making that choice for myself was self-punishing. Why would I willingly refuse to hang out if I want to? It’s an ongoing struggle. Definitely related to choosing instant gratification over long term pleasure. Seems different when its about a person though. Is she really just “instant gratification” to me? Wheres the long term pleasure? Need there be any more to this than ‘I enjoy spending time with her’? Theres something to be said when you’d rather be with someone than do anything else. Its worse for her. She can’t refuse to hang out for shit. Not that I make it easy. I’m not sure where I was going with this.
Whenever I’m severely sleep deprived, I always go down a spiral thought process similar to this. I think and think and sleep, and when I awake, everything seems silly. Then I do it again. I let the self care slip away, and tell myself that I can tough it out just one more night. I wonder if she can tell. I already have the realization that I need to set firmer boundaries–for my own sake–but its hard when YOU want to do it, opposed to someone doing something you dislike and you need to stick up for yourself. You still in a way are sticking up for yourself by setting that boundary. If you don’t, it becomes a Her fault or His fault, when its just an issue that needs to be fixed. I shouldn’t even be getting to that point of having to tough it out. For example, I spent my evening doing homework in the practice room with her until midnight. I was only able to do that because I pushed myself. Anyways more on this tomorrow morning when I’m well rested. I’m hoping this doesn’t feel silly.